If you quit being cunty, the whole world will stop being against you.

I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.

You're supposed to have friends you can tell anything to.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

You can be Hitler and go to confession and say forgive me, Father, I killed six million Jews, and the priest would just be like no problem. Say 10 Heil Marys. And Hitler goes to heaven.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.