I'm surrendering myself to the realities of the Internet.

I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.

I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.

The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations.

If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.