Scott Adams Quotes

By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

For our purposes, let’s say a goal is a specific objective that you either achieve or don’t sometime in the future. A system is something you do on a regular basis that increases your odds of happiness in the long run. If you do something every day, it’s a system. If you’re waiting to achieve it someday in the future, it’s a goal.

Ratbert (as lab rat, to scientist): Doc, we have to talk. Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese. At first I thought you were just being a good host. But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister.

Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.

If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.

I get mail; therefore I am.

A rental car is basically an ashtray on wheels.

Intelligence is a measure of how well you function within your level of awareness.

If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out.

When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that mximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.

The maintenance man is moving the thermostat in our office today. I started talking with him about the

I should have written that down. - Dilbert

Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions. So use your "gut instinct" to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you'll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.

Good ideas have no value because the world already has too many of them. The market rewards execution, not ideas.

In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can't use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants.

As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws.

You already barely exist. Disappearing entirely won't be that much of a change.

In the future, it will become increasingly obvious that your competitors are just as clueless as you are.

The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations.

We expect others to act rationally even though we are irrational.

The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.

If you work in the city long enough, it begins to deal with you on a personal level. Streets reveal their moods. Sometimes the signal light loves you. Sometimes they fight you. When you're hunting for a new building, you hope the city is on your side. You have to use a little bit of thinking--you might call it the process of elimination--and you need a little bit of instinct, but not too much of either. If you think too hard, you overshoot your target and end up at the Pier or the Tenderloin. If you relax and let the city help, the destination does all the work for you.

Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.

It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.

The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

Methods for predicting the future: 1) read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls . . . collectively known as "nutty methods;" 2) put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer . . . commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time."

I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral.

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

The core belief that drives terrorism is the notion of a "holy place," along with the idea that some people belong there and other people don't. That's why the only solution to terrorism is for religious scholars to hold a global summit to agree on the definition of "holy place." Once they agree on a definition, it will be easier to mock it into submission.

If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one way to interpret God's will is that you should love your neighbor. An alternate reading of the holy books might lead you to rig a donkey cart with small mortar rockets and aim it at a hotel full of infidels. In summary, po-tay-to, poh-tah-to. Religions are very flexible.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.

The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up.

I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time.

Ideas are cheap. A dime a dozen, as they say. It's the implementation that's important! The trick isn't just to have a computer game idea, but to actually create it!