The core belief that drives terrorism is the notion of a "holy place," along with the idea that some people belong there and other people don't. That's why the only solution to terrorism is for religious scholars to hold a global summit to agree on the definition of "holy place." Once they agree on a definition, it will be easier to mock it into submission.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

If a job's worth doing, it's too hard.

Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.

Swing your partner, dosey-do, now clap your hands... uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know... I'll bluff the rest. Slap your partner in the face, Write bad checks all over the place, Flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, Get a divorce and lose your house, ...uh... dosey-do.

When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.