You can't fix stupid. You can't fix a neutered dog you can't fix a garage door and hey, you can't fix stupid

One time, hey, in high school this girl told me, hey, its not you, its me.. Ofcourse its you, you dang HEFFER!

Everybody when they saw it, they said, "Did Willie Nelson sign your hat?" I'd say, "No, that'd be Willie Knucklehead - Robertson, OK?" We were at an event for the fans and I took my hat off and set it down on the couch, and he signed it. I said, "What are you doing, idiot?" He said, "Look, I was in the zone, and you just happened to put your hat in my zone."

I'm always just carrying a Tupperware cup, ever since my mom went to a Tupperware party and got 'em. I've left them strewn all over the U.S. and Europe. I drink iced tea out of them.

I sting like a butterfly and punch like a flea.

What I tell young couples that are getting married is: you're going to have quarrels, and on some things, you're just going to have to agree to disagree. And when you go to bed at night, kiss each other and tell each other that you love each other. Don't go to bed mad. Life is too short. Keep it simple.

I don't know what a person does that does not have a relationship with God. When he goes to the doctor and the doctors says, 'Hey, you've got less than two months to live and there's nothing we can do for you.' Who do they turn to when you're given something that earth shattering?