I've got nothing against any individual American, except that there aren't any. They're always Irish-American, African-American... There's never an American-American you can blame.

It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother.

Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as bad as some would have you believe. That is, unspeakably awful but mercifully brief.

Like bees around honey. Why are bees so attracted to honey, since they make it? It can only be vanity.

I wear glasses myself. As an affectation, as a badge of high intellect and to see with.

Fish deserve to be caught for they are lazy. Two million years of evolution and they still haven't got out of the water.

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.