I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.

Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as bad as some would have you believe. That is, unspeakably awful but mercifully brief.

Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six.

Many are willing to suffer for their art. Few are willing to learn to draw.

What do you get the man who has everything? Might I suggest a gravestone inscribed with the words: so what?

All men are brothers. Hence war.