I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

When you look in the mirror and despair and none of your clothes seem appropriate, relax, put the kettle on. It might suit you.

He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.

It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother.

I've got nothing against any individual American, except that there aren't any. They're always Irish-American, African-American... There's never an American-American you can blame.

The truly beautiful are often abused for apparent ugliness just as those with great vision often bump into things.

I wear glasses myself. As an affectation, as a badge of high intellect and to see with.