I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

Many are willing to suffer for their art. Few are willing to learn to draw.

Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as bad as some would have you believe. That is, unspeakably awful but mercifully brief.

Like bees around honey. Why are bees so attracted to honey, since they make it? It can only be vanity.

Like many supermodels, I won't get out of bed for less than £3000. Unlike many supermodels, I don't get out of bed very often.

All men are brothers. Hence war.

Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six.