When you look in the mirror and despair and none of your clothes seem appropriate, relax, put the kettle on. It might suit you.

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

I don't worry about losing my looks. It's finding them on someone else that worries me.

It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother.

Fish deserve to be caught for they are lazy. Two million years of evolution and they still haven't got out of the water.

I've got nothing against any individual American, except that there aren't any. They're always Irish-American, African-American... There's never an American-American you can blame.

Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six.