When you look in the mirror and despair and none of your clothes seem appropriate, relax, put the kettle on. It might suit you.

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

Fish deserve to be caught for they are lazy. Two million years of evolution and they still haven't got out of the water.

Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as bad as some would have you believe. That is, unspeakably awful but mercifully brief.

Like many supermodels, I won't get out of bed for less than £3000. Unlike many supermodels, I don't get out of bed very often.

I don't worry about losing my looks. It's finding them on someone else that worries me.

When you look in the mirror and despair and none of your clothes seem appropriate, relax, put the kettle on. It might suit you.