I wear glasses myself. As an affectation, as a badge of high intellect and to see with.

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

Like bees around honey. Why are bees so attracted to honey, since they make it? It can only be vanity.

It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother.

When you look in the mirror and despair and none of your clothes seem appropriate, relax, put the kettle on. It might suit you.

What do you get the man who has everything? Might I suggest a gravestone inscribed with the words: so what?

Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as bad as some would have you believe. That is, unspeakably awful but mercifully brief.