I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.