I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.