The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'

Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.

Baby carrots are making me gay.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.