Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.

I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.