Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.