Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!