Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.

There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.

We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: "I know her heart." Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.