Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.

Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.