This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.