Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.