It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls.

I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!