It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls.

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

Equations are the devil's sentences.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.