It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.

Baby carrots are making me gay.

What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.