To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.