I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.

They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.