John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!