John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.