Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.