I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

I'm impervious to logic.

It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.

We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.