I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?

If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the moment that my behavior will be caught on social media for all time. I'm even afraid to use it to get a reservation. This is the person who will tweet, "Can you believe what this a-hole did?"

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.