An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.

And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians']