I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.