There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.