There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate