I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended.