They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.