Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in Americaโless trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
Stephen ColbertHatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended.
Stephen ColbertMitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
Stephen ColbertThere's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
Stephen Colbert