Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!