Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.