Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.

I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.

I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.

I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.