If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I didn't mention bears. It's winter, they're asleep, I didn't think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail -- apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children's hockey game. I've said this before, they're after our kids -- they're tender, juicy, you don't even have to throw away the bones.

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?