I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.