I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.