Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.

The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights.

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?

A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there's any authority to what the press says, you question the authority of the government - it's like the existence of another authority.