Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.

I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice.

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?