Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.