Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.