So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax and spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh... and everybody's high!

Last night was Super Tuesday - a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women.