I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.