I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.

I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong."

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?