I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.