As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse.

I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong."

Equations are the devil's sentences.

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.