Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.