Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.

Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!