If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!