I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.

If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.

Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.