The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.