I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.