I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!

People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.

But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.