Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.