Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.

We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.

Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.

I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.