Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.