Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.

I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.