Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.