Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.