Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.

I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.