So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.