So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.

As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.

If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.