So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.