Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area.

If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the moment that my behavior will be caught on social media for all time. I'm even afraid to use it to get a reservation. This is the person who will tweet, "Can you believe what this a-hole did?"

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.